


I Just Want You to Know Who I Am

by gettingaphdinlarry



Series: To Know Who I Am: The Diaries of Niall James Horan [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - High School, Best Friends, Diary/Journal, Epistolary, First Kiss, First Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Minnesota, Period Typical Attitudes, Truth or Dare, Underage Drinking, but super minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 00:33:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11024841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gettingaphdinlarry/pseuds/gettingaphdinlarry
Summary: It's Niall Horan's senior year and it's going to be great. He's got a solid group of friends, a new job, and he gets to take his favorite class again, as long as he keeps a journal his creative writing teacher will never read.When his crush takes the same class, he's glad he has something to confide in.Even if that something is a notebook that can't talk back.





	I Just Want You to Know Who I Am

**Monday, September 7th, 1998, Labor Day**

School starts tomorrow. Senior year, fuck yeah. So happy to be in charge of everything. Gonna be great. Hung out with everyone today down at the lake. It wasn’t too hot, but still got a sunburn. Ate too many brats, too.

Louis is doing his photography stuff with Mr. Nelson, Zayn’s gonna go out for the school play (of course), Harry’s in charge of the school newspaper, and Ms. Johnson helped me get credit for taking her creative writing class again—both semesters.

Only thing is I had to promise I’d write something for all of the assignments. If it’s too close to what I did last year, we’ll change it. And she said I have to keep a journal at least three days a week. Said that’s where writers get all of their ideas from—their lives and memories. I think she’s wrong, because I get my ideas from my head, but I’m not going to argue if I get to spend more time writing and being left alone. Johnson said she’s going to check that I’m writing in this, but she won’t read it.

Don’t know what That One is doing. We only had one class together last year, American History, but he moved here so late in the year I never really got to talk to him. Zayn mentioned running into him over the summer at the pool, but I didn’t ask anything about it. I just hung out with Harry and tried to ignore it. Don’t need them to know I care.

Plus, I don’t even know if he’s gay or not.

 

**Wednesday, September 9th**

He’s in Johnson’s class.

Fuck.

 

**Thursday, September 10th**

Glad the first week of school is always a short week. I forgot how much I hate waking up for a 7:00 class. But creative writing is last thing, so at least I get to look forward to that. Our first assignment is to make a collection of things from our summer to write about. Not a What I Did On My Summer Vacation Essay, but collect a bunch of things and then use them to tell a story. Since I did this last year, Ms. Johnson said I can make a video or do it like a ’zine or basically do whatever I want. I haven’t decided yet.

I found the movie stub for Saving Private Ryan, which I saw with Louis. I also have a stub from Billy’s Hollywood Screen Kiss. Zayn went with me to that one, even though I wasn’t sure he’d want to since he isn’t gay. But I didn’t have anyone else to go with and he’s cool like that. Don’t think I’ll turn that in for this project. Only Zayn and Louis know I’m gay and I don’t know what Ms. Johnson would think.*

Somewhere in my room I’ve got my first pay stub from working at the bookstore, too. $5.50/hour, more than minimum wage! Yeah! Maybe I’ll include that.

*Yeah, I really need to tell Harry I’m gay, but I don’t even know how to. Zayn and Louis were easy to tell. I’m afraid Harry won’t be.

**Sunday, September 13th**

Happy birthday to me! Mom made me waffles for breakfast, and I finished all my homework last night so I don’t have to do any today. Sarah gave me the day off at the bookstore, and I’m going to hang out with the guys, going to the mall to see a movie or something. Said we should see something NC-17 now that I can get in, but do they even play those movies at regular theaters? Plus, boobs?

Dad asked me if I was going to break any girls’ hearts this year.

I laughed and said no.

I mean, it’s not a lie.

Unless maybe you count Rebecca, who has already hinted she wants me to take her to homecoming. She’s fine, a nice girl, but I wish she’d get a crush on someone else. It just feels weird when she tries to flirt.

 

**Monday, September 14th**

We went to the mall, had some dinner, but the movies looked dumb, so we played at the arcade. Z and L and H put their tickets together to get me a giant stuffed cow and I’m not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do with it. It’s really big, like the size of five pillows all balled together, and it has a big metal bell on it. Everyone kept staring at me while I was walking around with it.

Oh. Harry told me Liam joined the school paper staff. That’s weird, isn’t it, doing something senior year? Looks too late for your college applications, I think.

I put the cow on my desk.

It keeps looking at me.

Moo.

 

**Wednesday, September 16th**

I worked at the bookstore tonight, but it was dead.

Creative writing is going well. We’ve started sharing our summer artifacts pieces. I just wrote a little comic strip with the movie ticket, my pay stub, and some agates I found up on the North Shore. It was kind of dumb, but my summer was working and not much else, so I don’t know what to say.

Liam is supposed to share his stuff tomorrow or Friday. I wonder what he’s going to bring in.

Told Rebecca I couldn’t take her to homecoming. Have to work that day. Thanks, Sarah. (No, but really. I asked to work that night and she put me on.)

 

**Friday, September 18th**

Fucking Harry. At lunch today he invited Liam to sit with us. Liam. That One.

That’s fine, Harry’s a friendly guy. Blah blah.

Except we were eating outside on the lawn because it was nice out. (We usually eat outside or in the alcove by the side entrance.) Of course the only spot was right next to me and I nearly knocked over my milk—chocolate, thank you very much—when he told everyone we were in Johnson’s class together.

I scarfed down my pizza ( ~~I think~~ I was nervous), but it was too greasy and the stupid paper napkins they have are really thin and I had to wipe my fingers off on my jeans and I just looked like an idiot who didn’t know how to eat my food. I even smudged my glasses, and I only had my t-shirt to clean them, which just made it worse. Louis kept giving me funny looks and if I could have reached him, I would have kicked him.

Let me write down everything I learned:

\- Liam’s family was military so they moved a lot, but his dad finally retired and they came here because this is where his parents grew up.

\- He has always been on newspaper at his schools and he wants to work for, like, The Village Voice or something.

\- He’s got an older sister who’s in college in California.

\- He likes comic books and Batman. Zayn freaked.

\- He isn’t sure about cold weather.

\- He doesn’t have a car.

\- He smells good. Sort of like strawberry candy.

In class, we didn’t have time to get to his summer project because someone else wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Liam kept jiggling his leg and looking at the clock. I think he was nervous.

Oh, I forgot one more thing. The grass was just cut and Liam was wearing shorts. I think the clippings were scratching him because he kept rubbing his shin and brushing them away. Some of the blades of grass stuck to the sides of his calves when he stood up. They fell off as he walked into the building, but one piece was still stuck on his sock when we were in class.

**Monday, September 21st**

Weekend was boring, worked both days at the store. We had a children’s author come visit, and the store was filled with screaming kids. It was super warm Saturday and I was thinking maybe the crowds would be smaller because people would be outside, but no. Just a lot of “ahhhh!” I had a huge headache, but Sarah bought me lunch to make up for it, which was nice. She’s a cool boss.

Rebecca asked me in math class again if I was sure I couldn’t go to homecoming with her. I told her again I had to work and she pouted. I tried to apologize but she flipped her hair over her shoulder and ignored me the rest of class. Is that supposed to make me change my mind? Do guys actually fall for that shit?

Liam ate lunch with us again today. He sat next to Zayn and they talked about comic books the whole time. He slaps the back of his thigh when he laughs.

Liam finally got to present in class, too. His family traveled all over the US this summer, which I thought sounded cool, but he sort of seemed embarrassed. He brought in a petrified piece of wood from Arizona, some volcanic rock (basalt or something like that?) from New Mexico, and then a chunk of sedimentary rock from the Badlands in South Dakota.

For his writing project, he ended up writing a poem from each one’s point of view. I guess that petrified wood is technically a fossil. Trees got buried under sediment and then volcanoes released ash. The ash mixed with the water and when the water flowed around the trees, over time, the minerals replaced every cell in the wood. It’s the chemicals in it that gives the wood its color. (I think I got those details mostly right!)

I could never make science sound interesting—hell, most of our science teachers can’t make it interesting—but Liam did.

 

**Thursday, September 24th**

I rocked my math test today. I am awesome. And Zayn found out he got the lead of the school play. Everyone knew he would, but I’m so excited for him!

Liam’s been eating with us at lunch and it’s been cool getting to know him. He just fits in our group.

Only problem is I still don’t know if he’s gay or not. Harry started asking if he’d left a girlfriend behind in California. Louis told him he was nosy but Zayn shushed him and said he wanted to know, too.

Liam said he had someone back home but they broke up before he left and it was OK, for the better.

Yeah.

Someone.

Them.

I caught him looking at me when he was telling the story, too. I think.

Hmm. Maybe.

 

**Friday, September 25th**

HE ASKED FOR MY NUMBER.

HE ASKED FOR MY NUMBER.

HE ASKED FOR MY NUMBER.

OK, OK, so it was to get assignments if he misses school for anything, but he ASKED FOR MY NUMBER and now I have HIS number.

Oh my God. I have to go for a walk or something. I’m afraid Mom’s going to ask how I’m doing and I’m going to burst.

I have his number and he said “someone” and “them.”

 

**Saturday, September 26th**

Rebecca called me and told me she has a date to homecoming. I think she was trying to make me jealous. I told her I was sure she’d have fun.

 

**Monday, September 28th**

Rebecca told me in math class who’s taking her to homecoming.

Liam.

I guess he fell for that shit. I guess “someone” didn’t mean what I thought.

I have to get sick before school tomorrow.

**Wednesday, September 30th**

Mom didn’t make me go to school yesterday. I just pulled the blanket over my head and told her I wasn’t feeling well. She didn’t even check my temp, which is good. I moped around the house and got on one of the gay message boards. It made me feel a little better. Then Liam called but I refused to answer the phone because what was I supposed to say? No, that’s a lie. I had a lot of things I wanted to say, starting with “I thought (hoped?) you were gay,” but obviously I couldn’t talk to him.

I went to bed early last night and slept in again this morning and Mom didn’t even try to wake me up. I guess I play sick well. Maybe I should try out for the winter play with Zayn.

**Later**

He called with writing class homework. Again.

I didn’t answer. Again.

I called Sarah and told her I couldn’t come in tonight. I’m still on for this weekend though.

 

**Thursday, October 1st**

Great. One month of school down. What’s that, little more than 10%? Fuck, this is gonna be a long year.

I had to go to school today. Mom came in wielding a thermometer and clucking her tongue like some damn Florence Nightingale. “Oh, I’m feeling better, and I really don’t want to miss any more school,” I said.

At lunch Harry and Liam were talking about some newspaper stuff. Deadlines and ads and switching to some new computer program or something else. I don’t really know. It was a little cold and I just kind of curled up next to Louis and said I wasn’t feeling well. That way I could keep my eyes closed and not talk to anyone.

In class, Liam sat next to me* and asked if I was OK. I nodded and thanked him for giving me the assignments. Then Ms. Johnson counted us off to do some partner critiques and I had to work with Freya the rest of the period. I was kind of happy about that, but kind of disappointed, too.

*This was the first time he sat next to me. He smelled like Starbursts.

 

**Saturday, October 3rd**

Work was fine today. We swapped out our monthly display, and by “we” I mean I did it. One display on books about breast cancer, another on Halloween stuff, another on gay history month. I didn’t know that was a thing.

Sarah asked me if I was doing OK, said I seemed a little…upset. I told her school was hard and she asked if I needed some time off. I said no, that work was a good distraction. She went to the coffee shop next door and brought me back some frothy coffee concoction. I like Sarah.

Rebecca was babbling on yesterday in math class about going dress shopping with her friends this weekend. Homecoming is in a week.

 

**Monday, October 5th**

I can’t make it through math class. Rebecca and her friends were going on and on about the dance and what people are wearing and what they bought and their makeup and hair and blah blah. I never noticed her acting like this when I was the one taking her to dances.

Zayn and Louis are going to the dance stag. So I’m the only one not going.

Ugh. I know I asked for this, asked to work, don’t want to go, but Mom keeps worrying I’ll regret not going since it’s senior year and all that. I don’t know. Is high school really this amazing thing? Isn’t that supposed to be college?

Speaking of college, I want to go to a private liberal arts college, but I think I’m stuck going to a state school. My parents can’t really afford a private school. But maybe I’ll get scholarships. I dunno. If it’s live here and go to a private school or get scholarships and live on campus in a state school…it’s a trade-off.

Where would it be easiest to be gay?

 

**Tuesday, October 6th**

Liam sat next to me in class again. He smelled like Starbursts again.

Ms. Johnson must’ve read some book or something recently, because today she started her lesson about e.e. cumming’s poetry and then stopped smack in the first three or four minutes and said, “How do you write?”

We all looked around, because you just put your pen against paper and write, you know? Well, she gave us time to share how we actually write. Like, where we get ideas from and stuff. Some people apparently think best in the shower (I am mostly still asleep when I wake up and shower!). Some people write and write and write and then chop it up and edit it and other people write one sentence at a time, making sure it’s perfect. (How do you even do that? I don’t get that at all. That’s way too fucking anal retentive for me.)

Liam said in California he’d go for a hike in the foothills of the mountains, said he liked being in nature. Said he took a little notebook with him to sketch in, or to work on his newspaper stories and stuff.

Ms. Johnson asked me, because I was quiet. But I never really thought about how I write. I just…do it? I need to do it? I thought everyone felt like me, but I guess not.

When Liam talks, he uses his hands. He actually wiggled his fingers like they were legs, going up some imaginary mountain. It was cute.

Also, he has thick eyebrows. I like them.

I wonder if he’d want to go on a hike somewhere. We don’t have mountains here, but we have lakes, we have rivers. It’s not the same, but…

I wonder if he’s ever been ice skating?

 

**Thursday, October 8th**

Lunch today was weird.

Zayn had to meet with some people about the school play. Harry had to fuck around with some new computer software and worked in the newspaper office. So it was just Louis and Liam and me, but then Rebecca came, batted her eyelashes, and asked to “steal him.”

When they walked away, Rebecca’s head was bobbing from side to side and she was talking and talking and talking. Liam was nodding.

Louis asked me if I was OK.

“What do you mean?”

Louis stared at me, then rolled his eyes and said, “Nothing.” He studied history a little and I read some more e.e. cummings (I can’t decide what I think about his punctuation, but if having sex is like driving a stick shift, I’m screwed, because I can only drive an automatic, and not even well).

I wonder if it’s that obvious I like Liam to everyone else. Fuck.

I’m happy Zayn and Louis know I’m gay, but I really need to figure out how to tell Harry, too.

 

**Friday, October 9th**

OK, I don’t really know what to say about school. Nobody was paying attention because of homecoming. The game is tonight and I’m not going because I don’t give a shit about football. I want to write but don’t know what to write about, so I’m going to talk about how I came out to Zayn and Louis. I mean, I already know this, duh, but I just want to write it down.

I always think it’s kind of funny when straight people ask how gay people know they’re gay. Not that anyone’s asked me this—well, Louis did—but according to some AOL message boards it’s super common. It’s just weird, because, like, I always kind of knew but just didn’t know the words for it?

I think I first really, really knew I only like boys back in eighth grade, when I had a crush on Andrew Wong. Tall, smart, he really liked hockey. He was just super cute and I couldn’t stop thinking of him. He never even talked to me, we were never friends. But that was when Zayn had a crush on Elizabeth Mayer, and he wouldn’t stop talking about how pretty she was and how he saw her bra strap one day (ooh!) and how he wanted to kiss her. All I could think of was avoiding Andrew while changing for gym because looking at him made my stomach all…mushy.

I just kind of ignored it because, well. Then in ninth grade all that stuff came up with gay marriage in Hawaii (no! We can’t get married in Hawaii! I hate how people think we can) and motherfucking DOMA. Defense of Marriage Act. Defend it from what? It’s not like gay people invented divorce. What are they protecting? So we had to debate it in civics class.

Ugh.

I hated it.

Almost everyone said God said it’s “wrong.” Which God? Whose God? I don’t know if I believe in God, but if I do, then didn’t He (She?) make me this way? And why does someone else’s belief in God matter, since we’re supposed to have freedom of religion? I don’t get it.

I tried arguing that, but well, I guess that’s nothing you argue ’cause wow did people get super offended. Well shit, they didn’t care about offending me.

The class was ganging up on me and the other girl who was pro-gay marriage. Finally Louis roared, “Who cares? If two men or two women marry each other, how does it bother me? If you’re so worried about gay people marrying each other, maybe you’re with the wrong person, since you should care more about the person you’re with than your neighbor. And none of you are God, and your Gods all disagree with each other, so shut up.”

I couldn’t look at Louis because I was so afraid he could tell I was gay. And I was so angry that it was even a debate, and I was so happy he said something. We’ve known each other since first grade and I’ve never seen him tell a whole class to shut up. Wait, no. He did once, in fifth grade, when a few boys were making fun of the girl who needed a classroom aide and walked with her feet turned in.

That summer he started talking about some lesbian aunt of his, just dropped it all casual in a conversation like it was no big deal. It was kind of weird, and I still felt like maybe he knew. My stomach got all twisted up every time he talked.

Then on the Fourth of July, we were down at the park, getting ready to watch the fireworks. We were sitting on the hill, far away from everyone else. Louis was setting up a tripod to try and get pictures of the fireworks. He said he had a date with the girl who works at the pool’s concessions stand, “the one with the huge tits.” I asked why he liked big boobs and he said something like, “Doesn’t every guy like them?”

I just shook my head. Then I tried to laugh.

Louis was working on his camera, taking a really long time to set it up, kept checking a little piece of paper, had some sort of thing that attached to it with a wire and a little bulb at the end? Something he squeezed that made the camera work, so he could sit down and take photos without making the camera shake. He explained it, but I wasn’t really listening.

Finally he said, “It’s OK if you don’t.” He looked at me and then through his camera. “Like big boobs, I mean.”

I was picking at the grass, pulling clumps out of the ground, and my face was hot and I felt sick. I tried to rip some long grass out, but it slipped between my fingers, staining my hand green. I said, “I think I like boys.”

It was so quiet. I still can’t believe he heard me. He took a picture and then sat back on his heels. He looked at me and said, “Does anyone else know?”

I started crying. Ugh. I said no, just him and please don’t tell and I’m not even sure and all that stuff.

He sat next to me, I think he even moved a little closer, and he knocked his shoulder into mine and said it was nothing bad to cry about and if I ever wanted to talk to his aunt and her girlfriend, I could.

I asked if he was afraid of me now and he laughed and asked if he should be. I said no, because he wasn’t my type. He punched my shoulder and asked if he could ask me questions. I said yeah, but then the fireworks started, and we didn’t really talk. He asked me a few questions over the summer, like how I knew I was gay (”because I like guys”) and that was about it.

Before school started again, he told me if anyone ever bugged me, he’d kill them.

And that’s how I came out to Louis first.

Wow, I just looked at the clock. It’s past midnight. I guess I’ll need to write about Zayn tomorrow.

And Harry. Ugh.

 

**Saturday, October 10th**

Work was fine. I dragged my feet at the end of the day, but there’s only so many times I can rearrange books.

Zayn and Louis showed up at the bookstore wearing their suits before heading off to the dance. They looked like idiots, but I have to admit, they clean up well. Sarah told me, again, that I could go if I wanted, but no. I couldn’t go.

Rebecca is with Liam now. I wonder if she’ll try to kiss him.

I’ve kissed her.

Kissing her just proved that I’m really gay.

I wonder when I’ll get to kiss a guy.

I wonder what Liam’s wearing.

I wonder what his favorite music is.

I wonder if he tastes like Starbursts.

 

**Sunday, October 11th**

I really want to call Liam and ask how the dance went, but I’m not sure I actually want to know how the dance went.

OK, so I came out to Louis in July ’96. When school started again, everything was fine. I mean, DOMA passed and we kept debating gay rights in civics class (civics class—the irony), but it was OK.

Zayn had gone to some artsy summer camp in Michigan. Right around homecoming then (wow, two years ago!) he got a letter from a guy from camp. We were having lunch and he was showing us the letter and the stuff the guy had sent. A bunch of photos, an NYC t-shirt, some book about acting.

The pictures were from his school plays, his family, basically his life in New York. Louis told Zayn he’d take pictures of us to send back, and Zayn was telling some stories about how they got in trouble at camp for talking too much (Zayn? What a shock) and ad libbing their lines, and just dumb stuff like that. (Yeah, I know—this camp sounds thrilling, eh?)

One of the pictures had his friend—I can’t remember his name—getting kissed on the cheek by another guy. I asked who it was, and Zayn said it was his friend’s boyfriend. Just no big deal.

Harry snatched the picture from me, held it up close to his face and said, “Eww.”

Zayn punched Harry and said, “Why eww?”

“I don’t mind…gay people, but why do they have to show it?”

Zayn grabbed the picture and said, “Why not? It’s his boyfriend. They love each other.”

“If I knew someone who was gay, I just would be afraid of him hitting on me. Yuck.”

I wanted to puke.

Louis said something then, something like what makes you think anyone would hit on you? He rolled his eyes and punched Harry’s shoulder and said if he was gay he wouldn’t hit on Harry because Harry’s an idiot.

Zayn added on too, said Harry would be lucky if some guy hit on him since the girls at school certainly weren’t.

Harry got mad and tried to defend himself. He actually said, “I just don’t get why they have to shove it everyone else’s face.”

So. That’s why I haven’t told Harry I’m gay. It’s been hard to hide it, but I know he’ll think I’m shoving it in his face. Or worse, hitting on him.

As if I’d hit on him. His jokes are awful. He’s not nearly as funny as he thinks.

I still haven’t gotten to how I came out to Zayn, but I need to go to work. I’m glad my parents don’t come in my room. I don’t need them to read this. I think Mom would be OK, after she cried about not getting grandkids and how “hard” my life will be, but I’m not sure about Dad.

**Later**

After that shit happened with Harry basically implying all gay men would hit on him (no, Harry, no), Louis caught me after school and asked if I was OK. I said I was (I wasn’t) and thanked him again for keeping my secret. He asked if I wanted to tell Zayn, said he thought he’d be cool. I said I was OK waiting.

But one night a few months later—right after Zayn got his license—the three of us went out to dinner (Harry was out of town for the weekend with his family, for a wedding or something) and Louis started asking Zayn how his camp friend was. He kept looking at me and Zayn finally asked if something was wrong and why Louis was being weird.

Louis said he wasn’t being weird, and Zayn said he was wrong, then stared at me and asked what was going on. I said I didn’t know and kicked Louis under the table. Hard.

Zayn had driven us (first time!), and Louis said he needed to go home first for some reason that I only just now realized was probably a lie. So Zayn dropped me off last. We hung out in my driveway, bitching about school and he complained about his (then) girlfriend and it was late and I was tired and I just wanted to get it off my chest.

“I have something to tell you,” I said. My heart was pounding. “But I’m kind of nervous.”

“Is Louis gay?”

Well. That was not what I was expecting. I said, “Huh?”

“He kept asking about my friend today. I wonder if he was trying to tell me some—”

“No, he’s not gay.”

“Are you sure?”

I laughed. “Yeah, pretty sure.”

“Oh, OK, he just seemed really interest—”

“I am.”

“You’re what?”

I rolled my eyes and pointed to myself. “Gay, I’m gay.”

“What, no way! Are you sure?”

“Yeah, pretty sure? That’s why Louis was being weird. He wanted me to tell—”

“Louis knows?!”

“Um, yeah. Just Lou. And now you. Not Harry.” I twisted my hands in my lap and sighed. “Please don’t tell him. I’m not ready for him to know yet.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I won’t tell Harry. But Louis? Louis knew first?” Oh, Zayn got mad. He started grumbling about how Louis knew before him and when did Louis know and how did Louis keep it a secret and then when he found out he’d known for about six months he joked around that I was an asshole and he’d never drive me anywhere again.

Then he asked if he could give me a hug and when I said yes he kind of suffocated me in a bear hug, calling me an asshole the whole time for not telling him earlier, or not telling him first.

So that’s how I came out to Zayn.

I probably should’ve told Harry by now, because it’s been about two years since I told them, but Harry… Harry’s one of my best friends, but sometimes he says things. So…

At least now Liam and Harry don’t know? It feels a little balanced.

I don’t know. It’s so weird. Straight people never have to come out. Lucky.

 

**Monday, October 12th**

Rebecca was super happy in school today. All heart eyes and sighing through math class. Giggling with her friends.

I bet she kissed Liam.

At lunch today Harry asked Liam how it went at the dance.

“You were there, you saw him,” Zayn said.

“I didn’t see him afterwards,” Harry said.

“What happened after?” I said. (Did you taste like Starbursts, and was she wearing too much lip gloss?)

“Um…I took her home?” Liam shrugged. “It was fine, she’s a nice girl.”

Harry frowned and said, “You kind of like being mysterious, don’t you? What’s the big secret?”

Liam shook his head and said, “It’s not being mysterious, there’s just nothing to tell. There’s no ‘big secret.’”

 

**Wednesday, October 14th**

Rebecca sat with us during lunch.

Well no, she basically tried to sit on Liam’s lap during lunch.

 

**Thursday, October 15th**

Liam wasn’t at lunch today. He ate with Rebecca.

 

**Saturday, October 17th**

I need to start my volunteer hours. We have to do twenty hours before the end of the school year to graduate. Harry does some stuff at a soup kitchen, lunch twice a month or something? He started it when he was in the Scouts and kept it up, even though he quit Scouts. I think Zayn is helping The Children’s Theater, and Louis and Liam are trying to find things to do. A lot of people volunteer to help babysit at their churches, but I don’t go to church (boy does that make my ’rents angry) and I think part of the point is reaching out and doing something new.

I told Sarah about it Wednesday at work. She suggested I could volunteer with the AIDS Project, an organization that does, well, anti-AIDS stuff. I told her I wasn’t sure and she said I should call and ask if I could volunteer there. She took the register and sent me to her office.

I called and they were super friendly. They said I can volunteer, but since I’m not 18, my parents have to give me permission and I’m afraid of asking them. I asked them to mail information on volunteering to the store. The place is downtown, which means I’ll need to drive, too. That’s fine and all, except for the permission slip. Permission to volunteer. Can you believe it? Maybe I’ll just join Harry at the soup kitchen.

 

**Monday, October 19th**

At lunch today, Harry mentioned he could get us fake IDs. Some friend he knows at another school who does newspaper stuff has a cousin or something? I don’t know. It was weird. But they’re only 20 bucks. Sometimes it sucks being one of the youngest seniors. I don’t want to drink. I just want to go to a club.

Liam didn’t eat with us again. Harry asked me to ask him if he wanted a fake ID when I saw him in Johnson’s class.

Liam. Sigh. Rebecca won’t stop talking about him in math class. He’s so polite, he’s such a gentleman, he’s not like other people… (Me? He’s not like me. Is that what she’s trying to say?)

I took longer in the bathroom before Johnson’s class, hoping since we don’t have assigned seats (she’s the only one who does that except for the art teachers, and probably the shop teachers?) I would just take the last one. Of course the last one was next to Liam, and it was the same old seat. Even without assigned seats, we have our normal routines, I guess.

He gave me a huge smile when he saw me. Said, “Long time, no see.”

“That’s because you’re eating lunch with Rebecca.”

His face… I felt like an ass. Hmm. Sometimes I should shut up.

I tried to ignore him when Johnson was talking about the art of the short story, but he was jiggling one leg and I just wanted to reach out and stop it, still it, grab it.

Finally I scribbled a note to him on the corner of my notebook page. “Sorry. Something came up at lunch today. Can I call you after school?”

I had to do that quiet tearing thing and paper is never silent when you need it to be. Liam looked at me, then figured out what I was doing. He started coughing hard so I could rip the paper. It was hard not to laugh, and when Johnson turned around I gave him the note.

He said to call him after 6.

It’s 6:19. Is that too early to call? Maybe I’ll wait until 7.

Why am I so nervous?

**Later**

It’s 8:34 and we just hung up. I didn’t do my homework yet. We talked for over an hour and a half and he wants an ID too and he’s only a few weeks older than me! I don’t feel so young anymore! (I mean, everyone knows Harry is the youngest because he skipped a grade, but that doesn’t count.)

 

**Tuesday, October 20th**

Louis is taking our photos for our fake IDs Thursday after school.

Liam ate lunch with us today. Rebecca came to find him but he said she should eat with her friends.

 

**Wednesday, October 21st**

I got the volunteer forms today. I have them tucked away. Need to work up the courage to ask Mom.

Liam did not eat lunch with us. Again.

 

**Thursday, October 22nd**

OK, so after school today, Louis took all of our pictures for our fake IDs. We used the newspaper room because we needed a plain white background. Apparently Harry’s friend uses a computer to fix the rest.

Louis, Harry, and Zayn all have birthdays at the beginning of the year. I’m not worried about them not looking 18. I’m worried about me not looking 18. With my crooked teeth and my round cheeks. I look like a kid. But Liam promised if mine looked fake he wouldn’t use his. I can’t believe I’m doing this, oh my God.

Liam didn’t each lunch with us today. Louis grumbled about it and Harry said at least one of us was getting laid.

Getting laid? With Rebecca? Really? Wouldn’t he say something about that? Rebecca’s never even talked about a date. Just about how much she likes him and how much ~~they talk~~ she calls him on the phone.

 

**Friday, October 23rd**

In Johnson’s class today we had a lot of time to talk about the short stories we’ve been reading. “The Lottery” is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read and I’m glad I don’t live in the country.

Soooooooo.

Liam asked me if I wanted to do something this weekend. I asked like what and he said he missed doing outdoorsy stuff like he used to do in California. I told him I’d think of something and call him later.

At dinner I told my parents what was going on. Dad suggested we go to one of the parks for stargazing, but Mom said it might be a little cold, and if Liam wanted to hike, we should go down to the Mississippi and hike near the bluffs.

**Later**

I called Liam. I thought it would be a short call, but we talked about a lot of stuff.

He wants to go for a hike, but that will take some time and I have to work this weekend. I told him I’d ask if I could get off work next weekend. I said it was Halloween and he said that didn’t matter, either day would work.

He said he misses California and it’s too cold here. I told him he’s…going to be in trouble if this is cold. Then I scared him with stories about the Halloween blizzard from a few years back. I don’t think he believed me about how much snow we got, but I had to trick-or-treat in moon boots.

I asked if he wanted to invite any of the other guys. He said no, and I think he said it really quickly. Maybe not, but I’m going to pretend he did.

But then he didn’t eat with us today.

I wanted to ask if Rebecca is his girlfriend. I didn’t. I wonder if I should have.

Zayn’s getting busier with the play and he practiced his lines with Harry during lunch today. Harry’s accents were pretty funny. Louis had some studying, and I read some Walt Whitman. Dude didn’t like women.

Oh, and Harry said we’ll get the IDs some time this week.

 

**Monday, October 26th**

Sarah said I can have Halloween off! I asked Liam if he was sure he wanted to do something on Halloween and he said yeah, he was positive.

But. There is something bad, too.

He ate with us today and Louis made some sarcastic comments about Rebecca. Harry got defensive, because they’re friends, and Liam asked if Harry had dated her. Before he could answer, Louis pointed at me and said, “No, she wants to date him.”

Zayn said, “Don’t think she wants Niall now.” He glanced at me and then he nodded at Liam and said, “Think she likes you. You like her?”

Liam said she was “nice enough.” What the hell does that even mean?

 

**Wednesday, October 28th**

Sarah asked me if I had sent back the form. I told her I was afraid my parents wouldn’t let me volunteer there, so I hadn’t asked them for permission yet. I told her my parents are really Catholic and I think they’d be worried about me doing work down there. She asked if I wanted to practice asking them by asking her, pretending she was Mom. I asked if she could just sign it.

She tsked me.

I’m still not sure if that’s a no.

 

**Friday, October 30th**

Shit. Sarah’s sister is in the hospital, some emergency. She asked if there was any way I could work, told me I could close a few hours early for Halloween. Of course I said yes, but I was looking forward to hiking with Liam. Now I have to call him.

 

**Saturday, October 31st, Halloween**

I have to admit, working in the store alone was kind of cool and I’m doing it again tomorrow. A little hard, but I was in charge of everything. I was doing OK, until I had to pee. I’ve never pissed so quickly, but I was afraid of someone coming in and stealing! There’s a bell on the door, so I could hear it, and nobody came in, but what was I gonna do, hop out there with my pants around my knees?

It was busy early but it lulled at the end of the day. I grabbed some of the “gay interest” magazines and read them while I was waiting for customers. They have ads with two men or two women in them, and that shouldn’t surprise me, but like, why don’t they use those ads in regular magazines if they already make them? It’s the same with the “black interest” magazines like Ebony. What, can’t put those ads in Newsweek?

I have good news!

When I called Liam last night to cancel for today, he checked the weather. Since it’s the end of the semester and Tuesday’s the election, we have Monday and Tuesday off. So we’re going hiking then.

 

**Monday, November 2nd**

It was a long day and I need to think.

We went on a hike.

I’m…in trouble.

And a little hopeful.

I’m also exhausted, so I’m going to have to wait until tomorrow.

 

**Tuesday, November 3rd, Election Day**

OK, where to start.

So first, I picked Liam up. His parents had already gone to work, so I didn’t get to meet them. He had packed some sandwiches and snacks for us and had them in a backpack, and I was a little worried he might not have warm enough clothes. It was a bit chilly. But I had an extra flannel shirt in the car in case he needed it.

On the drive down to the Mississippi river bluffs, we just chatted about school. He said Ms. Johnson’s the best writing teacher he’s ever had and he likes working on the paper with Harry. I talked about the poetry I’d been reading (Whitman) and he said he has a copy of Leaves of Grass at home. Hmm.

We talked about colleges and all that boring stuff. I asked if he wanted to go back to California and he said not really. He said he could, because his sister’s there, and he could live with her, but he’s not sure that’s where he wants to be.

I asked him if he had started his volunteer work yet, and he said no, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. Asked me what I was doing. I wasn’t sure I should tell him, but I finally told him I wanted to volunteer with the AIDS Project but that I need my parents’ permission and I’m not sure they’ll give it. He asked me why not and I didn’t really have a good answer, just said they might worry about me.

We got to the bluffs, and even though it was a school holiday, it was pretty deserted. Nice and cool and quiet. I told him we were going fossil hunting, and he said that sounded impossible. I told him he’d see.

When we started down the path, I told him how when I was a kid, fourth grade or so, my parents brought me here and said we were going fossil hunting. I said, “So what are we supposed to do, just pick up a rock and look for fossils?”

Then I picked up a rock and…it was full of fossils.

Liam shot me a look like he didn’t believe me and I told him to try. He laughed and imitated me. “What am I supposed to do, just pick up a rock?” He did, and…tons of fossils! His jaw dropped and he looked so excited. His eyes crinkled and he laughed this surprised “ha ha ha” laugh.

I couldn’t stop watching him. He held the rock right up close to his face to look at it. He sort of…stroked it? That sounds weird, I know, but he pet the rock, then pointed out the seashells and those little stacked rings—crinoids—they’re from some sea creature that sort of looked like a plant.

Liam looked around and asked if he could take the rock. I said probably not but everyone did and he carried it all the way down to the shore. We stopped every once in a while, just to enjoy the view.

The trees are mostly bare now, just a few brown stragglers hanging on, and the ground was a little damp, but we sat down and had our picnic and watched the river. It’s so soothing, the way the water flows. Nothing stops it, not even when it gets ice on top. It’s stable and easy.

The picnic was great, just ham sandwiches and some apples and celery sticks stuffed with peanut butter. It kind of reminded me of the lunches I made for school when I was a kid, and I ate slowly, because I didn’t want to leave.

I guess (hope?) Liam didn’t want to leave either, because he started talking about California. Said he used to hike in the foothills after school. I knew that part, he’d told me that before, but then he said it was one of his favorite places to go with his friend Scott, and they’d sit up there for ages on the rocks, watching the sun set, until the night was cool and they could see the stars.

I told him none of the guys really like hiking, so it’s mostly something I do with my family. Told him we go up to the North Shore a lot, said he should come sometime. He hasn’t been up there, hasn’t even see the bridge in Duluth.

I asked how long he and Scott had known each other and he said not long. I was surprised, said they sounded super close. He just sort of cleared his throat and said yeah.

A little later he asked me if Rebecca had ever been my girlfriend. Why the hell did he have to bring her up? We were having such a good time. I said no, I was never interested in her being my girlfriend, I was just the one who took her to dances. I told him I don’t care if he dates her. (That’s a lie.)

He got sort of funny, said he wasn’t really interested in dating her, but he felt a little sorry for her. I asked why and he didn’t know, said he wasn’t sure her friends were good ones. He said that friends should be people you can actually trust when shit gets hard and her friends didn’t seem like that.

I’d never thought of that before, but she is kind of the extra one in her group. She always had a guaranteed date to dances because of me, which sounds egotistical, but…

I wanted to ask if we were the type of friends who he could actually trust. I didn’t. Because I didn’t want to know, and because if I can’t even tell Harry I’m gay, I don’t know what that says about Harry. Or me.

Anyhow, then he said that Scott would love to find all these fossils, they’d never done that before. I said he should see if Scott could come visit for a weekend and we could go on a hike together, but he said they didn’t talk anymore. I asked why not and he said that leaving was too hard.

I had a million questions, but he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk.

He asked me if I’d had any serious girlfriends. I said no, I’d never dated anyone seriously. He asked what kind of person (yes, person) I liked and I said I liked someone who made me laugh and made me feel comfortable and that I’d know them when I saw them.

After that we both got pretty quiet. He dug around in his pocket and gave me a handful of Starbursts. As I unwrapped each of them, he held out his hand for the wrapper. Unwrap, taste, crumple the paper, touch his hand.

They were warm and soft from the heat of him and so sweet on the tongue.

Unwrap, taste, crumple, touch.

We hung out at the river until it started to rain, and then we finally headed back up to the car. The trail was slippery and I was in front, and at one point I slipped and nearly knocked Liam over backwards. He managed to catch me (with his whole damn chest, whoops) and he smelled like Starbursts and rain was dripping off his hair and fuck, fuck, fuck I have got a crush on him.

I’ve never had this sort of crush on a friend. I’ve always kept that at a distance, crushed on the guys who don’t know I exist.

But Liam James Payne* is a friend and I have a massive crush on him.

*Yes, James. We share a middle name!

 

**Wednesday, November 4th**

Back to school. Hard to go back after a four-day break. Harry says he’s getting the IDs tomorrow.

Sarah asked me if I had gotten my forms signed yet. I said no.

She shook her head and said it was nothing to be scared of.

Really, if I have a fake ID I could just pretend I’m 18, right? But I’m afraid of getting caught and I wouldn’t want the AIDS Project to get into any trouble. Like, how awful would that be? Getting an anti-AIDS organization in trouble because I’m too chicken to ask my parents to sign a form?

 

**Friday, November 6th**

The Sadie Hawkins dance is later this month, weekend before Thanksgiving. Girls ask the guys and the guys (not like it matters to me) aren’t really supposed to say no. Rebecca and her friends were talking about it loudly in math class, and she shot me a look at said she was going to ask Liam, then said, “Unless you want to go, Niall?”

“I don’t want to go.”

She scoffed and slapped my shoulder and asked what was wrong with me this year. I was no fun. Said if I didn’t start being nice none of the girls would want to date me.

I asked, “Is that a threat or a promise?”

 

**Saturday, November 7th**

Oh, I forgot to say, we got the IDs—they look good! We’re all 18, and I don’t know what to do with it. I tucked it into the inside sleeve in my wallet. My parents shouldn’t find it there, they tend to leave me alone, and I’m afraid if I leave it anywhere in the house, they might find it. Really, I’m afraid of leaving it in my pocket and having it go through the wash.

I worked today. Sarah caught me reading The Advocate. I tried to close it quickly and that just made me look guilty. She didn’t say anything, just smiled at me.

At least it didn’t look like pity.

 

**Tuesday, November 10th**

Zayn wasn’t at lunch today. He was doing theater stuff, because the play runs this weekend. But Liam was there, and he said Rebecca asked him to the dance. Harry slapped him on the back and said good job. Liam said he wasn’t sure he wanted to go and looked at me.

I felt sick, like my face was suddenly itchy and the alcove where we were eating our lunch was too hot, even though nothing had changed.

Harry asked if I was OK and Louis told him to shut the fuck up and Liam said he should probably go.

I went through the afternoon with my stomach all twisted in knots.

In Johnson’s class, Liam passed me a handful of Starbursts with a small smile. I kept the wrappers this time.

 

**Thursday, November 12th**

Sarah asked me if I had gotten my AIDS Project forms signed yet. I said no. She asked if I had them, and I dug them out of my backpack. She scribbled on the forms and said, “Don’t tell your parents I did this. If you get caught, you did it. Got it?”

I just kind of stood there in shock. I nodded and swore I’d take the blame.

 

**Friday, November 13th**

Liam told me he doesn’t even want to date Rebecca, so I don’t know why I’m so upset (annoyed? pissed? jealous?) that he’s going to the dance with her. It’s not like I want to go with her.

But what if he does end up dating her? What if this is the dance that makes him fall in love with her?

Well, then. I guess I’d be really jealous.

Ugh. Zayn’s play opens tonight. I need to get dressed, because I’m going with the guys. I don’t even know what to wear. What says “pick me Liam” best?

 

**Saturday, November 14th**

Zayn did so well last night! He looked amazing, his voice was great—it was Our Town and it was pretty smooth. I have to admit, our theater department is good.

I sat between Louis and Liam and Harry sat on the other side of Louis.

Liam must taste like Starbursts, the way he eats them. I wonder if he’s found a local dentist.

Zayn invited us out for dinner with the cast after the show and we all piled into the Perkins down the street. Lil, the bitchy older waitress, sighed when we walked in. Liam leaned in close and asked me what was up with that, and I said she didn’t like teenagers because we don’t tip well.

He sat across from me at the end of the tables (they pushed a bunch together for us).

He has a little birthmark on his neck. It was hard not to stare at it while he ate his French silk pie.

**Monday, November 16th**

Rebecca asked what color plaid she and Liam would look best in.

I wanted to say none of the plaid. Never plaid. No plaid.

(Blue. Or red. For him, I mean.)

 

**Wednesday, November 18th**

Sarah asked me if I was OK today, said I seemed mopey. I told her the one of my best friends was going to Sadie Hawkins with someone else.

Sarah just got a soft look and said, “Sorry, that’s hard.”

She didn’t even ask about who the best friend was.

I think Sarah knows, but Sarah isn’t saying anything. She’s the best boss ever.

**Saturday, November 21st Sadie Hawkins**

I worked. Sarah and I have worked out a schedule so I can volunteer at the AIDS Project. I’m a little nervous about going. She asked me to start after Thanksgiving weekend at least. I thanked her again for signing the paperwork and she gave me a big hug.

I wonder if Liam will ask Rebecca to the Fire and Ice Dance in January.

I work again tomorrow, and my dad’s starting to bug me about college applications.

 

**Sunday, November 22nd**

Liam called tonight to ask if we had any homework.

We almost never have weekend homework for Johnson’s class.

We talked for a long time about school and college applications and we might work on them together. I don’t work Wednesday because I’m working all of Thanksgiving weekend and Sarah wanted to help make up for it. Liam asked if I wanted to come over to his place and write out application essays.

Oh my God. I wonder if I’m going to see his room.

He didn’t mention the dance. Neither did I.

 

**Tuesday, November 24th**

We get out of school early tomorrow because of the holiday. This week is really such a waste. I can’t stand it when teachers schedule quizzes during these three days, as if any of us are listening? And the rich kids have already left to go on longer vacations and stuff. It’s stupid.

Lunch is back to normal, now that Zayn’s done with the play and not running lines. He’s going to help direct the one act plays for the festival, so he won’t be trying out for any roles. He’s pretty excited. Louis is still taking pictures of everything, and I guess he’s working on double exposures or something. He kept posing us in the alcove during lunch. Said the light was really good there because of all of the snow outside. I told him if he wanted me to stop eating, he’d have to pay me. He didn’t pay me, I didn’t stop eating, and he still got his pictures. And Harry’s finally figured out the new computer program for the school paper.

Me, I’m just writing in this dumb notebook. A part-time job and no other hobbies.

I’m never going to get into college.

I am volunteering at the AIDS Project the first Saturday in December. They’re going to give me some training. I don’t know if I should tell my parents I’m working or what. I haven’t decided yet.

 

**Wednesday, November 25th**

I know what Liam James Payne’s bed looks like. Blue covers, he sleeps with two pillows, it’s a full or double or queen. (What is the difference?)

And he’s got a bunch of pictures of him and his old friends up all over his room. He’s got them all over his walls, with all sorts of maps. He was telling me who everyone was, in his old crowd.

We didn’t get much essay writing done. We mostly listened to music and talked about school stuff. I told him he needs a picture of the five of us together, and he said he wished he had some pictures from our hike.

He had the rock with fossils right on the top of his bookshelf.

 

**Thursday, November 26th Thanksgiving**

At dinner today, Grandma kept asking when I was going to get a girlfriend. I said when I found one I liked enough to want to spend time dating.

It’s not a lie.

It’s just never going to happen.

OK, but Thanksgiving was fine. We all ate too much and then everyone started debating whether or not Clinton should get impeached for getting a blow job. So I excused myself and said I had homework to do.

I just jacked off while thinking of Liam. (I was able to be louder than normal because the house is so noisy right now nobody would even be able to hear me. Thanksgiving indeed.) I imagined him giving me a blow job under a desk. He’s just so hot.

I didn’t say this yesterday, but I can’t stop thinking about it, so I should just write it down and get it out of my head.

Scott was in a bunch of the pictures, including one on Liam’s bookshelf, where they were both sweaty and squinting against the sun on the top of some mountain. They’ve got their arms slung around each other’s shoulders and Liam’s looking at Scott like…

(I can’t believe I’m writing this.)

He was looking at Scott like I want him to look at me.

Which makes me wonder (even more) about Liam.

 

**Monday, November 30th**

Oh my God, this weekend at work was so long. I worked all three days, and it was just super busy the whole time. Sarah bought me coffee from the shop next door twice a day and bought us lunch all three days, which was nice (even if it was usually cold by the time I got to sit down and eat it), but why the hell are customers so rude? They’re buying books! Books! Books should make you happy! People kept asking if we had Black Friday deals. Do we look like a chain bookstore?

Harry came in Saturday near the end of my shift and asked if I wanted to go grab dinner with him. I wasn’t sure, but I felt like I should. We used to be so close, always going to Sunday school together, but then we were going through confirmation classes…

That was right around the time I realized I liked Andrew Wong and I couldn’t understand how God could make me like ~~that~~ this. (Damn, this is really hard to write, even though nobody else is going to read it.) And I got into so many fights with Mom and Dad, and Harry, too, when I told them I couldn’t be confirmed, because I wasn’t sure I believed in God. Dad used to say, “But God believes in you.” But if God believes in me, then according to our church, God knows I’m going to hell. So what’s the point?

And Harry believes. He really does. So how am I supposed to tell him about me? And my parents? How could I tell them I knew Andrew Wong was real but that meant God couldn’t be?

So. Well, Harry wanted to meet and I had had such a long day at work, and I wasn’t ready to go home and he had come all the way out to the store, and it would have been weird to say no.

We went to Perkins and split a huge appetizer sampler plate and some pie and just talked about school and stuff. I have to say, it was nice to hang out with him again. At one point I almost told him I was gay, just wanted to blurt it out, tell him Zayn and Louis knew, but then he started talking about the spring break mission trip he’s going on with ~~our~~ his church.

I don’t know. I would hope maybe Harry likes me enough to accept me, but I couldn’t tell him, not tonight.

 

**Thursday, December 3rd**

I am so angry my hand is shaking.

Tonight at dinner our visit to Duluth came up, the same old trip we take over winter break every time. I said I wanted to do something different this year, hang out with my friends, because spending a week up at Grandma and Grandpa’s 1960s home with the creepy old canned foods in the basement isn’t my idea of fun.

Dad got pissed because, as he said, “Hey, I grew up in that house! I used to water the tree by the garage with an empty five pound coffee can every day in the summer!” (Yeah, Dad. I know.)

But really, Grandma and Grandpa don’t even live there! They live in Florida now, and the TV is so old you can’t get any channels and we just use the house as a base to go visit the North Shore, go to the same restaurants, etc. It’s the same thing every year.

So Dad and I got into a fight over it and I asked if I could just stay home—I’m 17, I can take care of the house overnight for a few days, it wouldn’t be a huge deal—but they said no because I might have a party.

That’s when I got up and left the table, because I get all As and Bs at school, I don’t do anything bad, ever. I’m so boring, and they won’t even let me stay home? God, I hate this fam—

Mom’s knocking at the door.

**Later**

Mom came my room and we talked. She said I seem like I’m hiding something and I said teenagers always hide things. She said I could tell her anything and then asked if I was upset that Rebecca was dating Liam.

I practically screamed, “They’re not dating!” and she patted my knee and said that it was OK.

I told her I just wanted to be left alone, and instead of leaving me alone (would it be so hard?), she asked why I didn’t want to go to Duluth.

I said I wanted to do something different this year and that I’m bored of doing the same thing every year while my friends get to go places. Zayn’s family goes to Mexico, Louis goes to Florida to see his grandparents, and Harry does some winter mission trip with his youth group or something. And we’re always in Duluth. And it’s always the same. The bridge, Grandma’s, a stop by Tobies on the way up and the way back for caramel rolls (OK, I admit, those are really good).

She asked what Liam’s plans are.

I picked at the comforter and said I didn’t know and maybe he was going to California to visit his sister.

And Scott, I thought. It wasn’t a good feeling, made my stomach kind of feel hollow and hungry.

Mom suggested I ask him and see if he could come with us.

Then we talked a little bit more about college applications and stuff. I just said whatever she wanted to hear, because I need to call Liam.

She finally left and now I’m staring at the phone. I don’t know what to say. “Hey, Liam, want to come up to Duluth with me over Christmas break? It’ll be cold and snowy probably and the house is old and drafty, and the pipes rattle when you shower and the water kind of tastes like iron, but we could share a room and I might be able to see you with your shirt off and by the way, did you ever date Scott because I’m kind of curious?”

Fuck, I can’t do this.

 

**Friday, December 4th**

So I did call Liam last night and he said they aren’t going anywhere for Christmas because his sister is coming home instead to see all of the extended family. He said he’d ask his family and see what they said.

His parents said yes!!

Ahhhh!

I’m going to scream into my pillow for a minute.

OK, back.

The only thing is that his parents want to meet my parents first.

Also, Mom said I could bring my own car so if Liam and I want to go do stuff on our own, we can.

Oh my God. I can’t believe it. I’m so excited.

Shit. I’m going to get to see Liam in his pajamas.

Dammit. I need to get off. Just thinking about him makes me feel hot. I wonder what his hands would feel like on me?

 

**Saturday, December 5th**

I volunteered at the AIDS Project today. I told Mom that I had the day off and was hanging out with Louis and she believed me. Sarah gave me the whole weekend off so I could be sure to get my homework done.

My training wasn’t really anything big today. They took my papers and had me fill out a volunteer form with an emergency phone number. I put down Sarah (hope she’ll be OK with that) and told them what I was interested in (light office work, sure, I have no idea what that is, but I can do it, keeping the library organized, and whatever else I checked off).

Two people were helping me sign in, Tom and Shamika. Shamika is this tall, gorgeous black woman with amber-colored eyes, and Tom is this short, lithe man. Shamika kept teasing Tom about proposing to his boyfriend and I must’ve looked…stupid or surprised or something, because she said, “Niall, honey, you OK?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. I tried to fill out the form again.

“’Mika, leave him alone,” Tom said. “Maybe he’s never met anyone…” He dropped his voice to a fake whisper and said, “Like us!”

I laughed, but I was really embarrassed and my face felt warm. “I’m like you, too.”

“Oh honey, ignore Tom—”

“But I don’t know anyone else like me.” My eyes sort of welled up—what is wrong with me? I said, “But some of my friends know about me.”

Tom leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest and said, “I didn’t know until I was in college I was gay. If you’re already out to some people at seventeen, wow, wish I could’ve done that.”

I told him it was only two people, and my parents don’t know and then Shamika and Tom started talking about their first loves and they must’ve talked for about a half an hour, but I just listened to them both because… I know it sounds weird, but they were just so…open and out with each other? I’d never seen it before.

I stuffed envelopes all day, which was boring but easy, and it was OK, because I got to hang out in the central area and listen to people chat. At the end of my time, Shamika asked if I wanted to go to Café Zev with them. I guess it’s a gay café? I said no because I had to get home, but maybe next time.

I volunteer again in the middle of January.

It might sound weird, but my heart kind of feels…lighter? Like, maybe I can be like they are one day? Out? Happy?

 

**Monday, December 7th**

Louis’ been doing some big project for his photography class. Working on street style photography. I don’t really get what it means, but since we don’t really have a busy street handy he’s been practicing taking photos of us around the school and at lunch. We’re not supposed to pose, just supposed to ignore him and be normal. He’s been printing them and today he gave me a picture he took of me.

It’s black and white and I’m cleaning my glasses with the corner of my shirt and laughing at something.

I’m in focus, and the background is out of focus and soft—Louis is really good at taking pictures like that. Liam is sitting next to me, talking and watching me.

 

**Wednesday, December 9th**

I worked tonight. Sarah asked me how my volunteering went and I told her I wrote down her number and that it went well. Then I spent the evening refilling the holiday and winter displays. I had to pull the magazines, too, ripping the covers off to destroy them.

I told Sarah I needed time off for the Duluth trip. She knew to expect it, said it wasn’t a big deal, asked if I was looking forward to it.

I am.

 

**Friday, December 11th**

Rebecca asked me if Liam had a date for the Fire and Ice dance. I thought, “Yeah, me,” but I said, “Don’t you have his number?”

In Johnson’s classes, I asked Liam if he remembered reading the depressing story “The Lottery.” He said he did, and I told him that Rebecca had chosen him for her own personal dance lottery. He rolled his eyes and said he’d already told her he didn’t want to go.

I asked why he didn’t want to go and he said he’d never like her “that way.”

 

**Saturday, December 12th**

Mom’s been on a rampage the last couple of days, making me clean the whole house because Liam and his parents are coming over for dinner tonight. I told her it wasn’t a big deal and Liam’s house wasn’t some perfectly clean place, but she didn’t believe me. We’ve actually cleaned the baseboards. I had no idea they could get so gross.

I had to work today, but Sarah sent me home early, said I was too jumpy and we didn’t have enough work for me. She asked what was going on, and I told her I was having a friend’s family over for dinner. She asked if it was “someone special.” God, I hate that question. I’m so afraid I have a dopey look on my face when I talk about Liam. I wonder if other people can see it? I wonder if they would see it if he were a she?

 

**Sunday, December 13th**

Ah, dinner went so well! Liam’s parents were super nice and all the parents got along. They were talking about politics and colleges and books and it got boring, so Liam and I finally excused ourselves and said we were going to watch some TV in my room.

It was a little weird inviting him in my bedroom because all I wanted to do was kiss him. And oh my God, I’ve gotten off in that bed so many times thinking of him. I wonder if the room smelled weird? If it did, he didn’t say anything.

He looked at my rock collection and then we turned on Saturday Night Live. The only place to sit was my bed, which is a twin, so we were squished next to each other.

Helen Hunt was hosting the show, and she was OK. Hanson played and Liam knew all the words to “Mmmbop,” and I had to tease him about it. I sang the stuff about the flowers and asked if he was a daisy or a rose. He pinched my waist and said he was a daisy because he was two people in one.

I didn’t get that at all, but he said a daisy is actually two flowers—the yellow part and the white petals are both different flowers. I asked why he was two different people. He said because it takes him a while to open up and be himself.

I asked if he had opened up to me. He was quiet for a long time, and then he shook his head and said, “Not yet.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, but it didn’t feel good.

He said that made me the rose. I said, “What, prickly?”

He said no, and then asked if I knew the Latin phrase “sub rosa.” He said it means “under the rose,” and it means to tell someone something in secret.

“So I’m a secret?”

“I think you have secrets,” he said.

“We all do.”

“I know. But some are bigger than others.”

We didn’t talk much after that, just went back to watching the show. His shoulder kept brushing against mine on the bed, and when he laughed, it made the mattress shake.

I kept thinking the whole night about what he meant about being two people in one.

 

**Wednesday, December 16th**

At lunch today Harry asked if we were ever going to use our fake IDs to do something fun. Liam said we should go to a club or something.

I’m still nervous to try and use it, though. I said so and Harry said I was boring. I said he should go by himself, then, and he said why did I even buy it if I didn’t want to use it.

I said I had to do something in the library and left. Harry is so annoying, sometimes I just want to punch his face. I’m so glad he’s not going to be around during Christmas break. I need a break from him.

 

**Thursday, December 17th**

Tomorrow is the last day of school before winter break starts.

**Later**

I feel a little guilty about what I said about Harry.

He used to be my best friend. I miss it.

 

**Sunday, December 20th**

Today was super busy at work, a lot of cash sales. Lots of men shopped, and Sarah said the closer to Christmas, the more cash it is. She said men spend cash more than women, who tend to write checks. Hmm. I’m going to pay attention to that.

It finally slowed down about a half an hour before we closed, and then Liam walked through the door.

I didn’t even know it was him at first, just called out, “Welcome! Need any help finding anything?”

He laughed and said, “So professional, Niall!”

I recognized his voice as soon as he started talking and my heart started pounding and I knew I had a huge smile on my face. I tried to hide it because he was with his mom (and I was at work) but it was really hard.

His mom went and browsed the cookbooks and he picked at all of the little trinkets on the counter (bookmarks, little mini books with motivational quotes in them—I still don’t get the point of those) and we chatted about our winter break plans.

Sarah was helping his mom and they were in there until close, but Liam and I were still talking, so we decided to grab some coffee at the shop next door, and I told his mom I’d drop him off.

We talked about… I don’t even know. Everything? He talked about how he missed California, and I wish I could change that. I get it, I know it’s not about me. But I want him to be happy here. I want him to feel like he’d miss me.

His sister is home, and he said she got fake mad over him being gone for part of vacation, but then she said she was happy to get their parents all to herself.

We’re going the week after Christmas. I’m getting nervous about it. I don’t know why. He’s my friend. My friend.

 

**Tuesday, December 22nd**

Second day of break and I’m already bored. Harry’s doing whatever he is. Louis is gone. Zayn is gone. Liam is busy with his family. Sarah says she doesn’t need help at work.

I should probably work on my college essays. I don’t know what to write. I probably should’ve started volunteering earlier so I had something “important” to write about.

 

**Thursday, December 24th, but it’s like, 3 am, so I guess it’s actually Christmas**

Liam called last night and we stayed up way too late talking about Christmas gifts we’d gotten as kids. I told him about this teddy bear I got when I was seven or eight. It had a zipper on its back and I could unzip it and change it from a daytime teddy bear (in a blue sweatshirt) to a nighttime teddy bear. It had pink pajamas with glow-in-the-dark stars, and it had a little nightcap that had a hole for one ear. I always wondered why the other ear didn’t get a hole.

He said the gift he remembers the most is the bike he got when he was six. He said it was red with silver racing stripes on it and it had a great banana seat. He said his parents put those plastic beads on it, you know, the ones that make noise?

Oh! We got talking about books and movies, turns out we both loved Newsies back when we were in junior high. He said he loved Christian Bale’s character. Who didn’t?

We talked really late, so I had to whisper so Mom and Dad wouldn’t hear us. I was so tired but his voice was so calming and I didn’t want to stop talking, even when I was yawning and he was yawning and the conversation lulled.

I finally told him I needed to sleep or Santa would never bring my gifts. He said, “Wait, I…have a kind of weird question.”

“Yeah?”

“Are we—Christmas?”

“Huh?”

“I—are we going to exchange Christmas gifts?”

“Oh!” Right away I knew what I wanted to get him, but I don’t have it yet. “Yeah, I—yes, can we exchange them on our trip?” (Our trip? Our trip? Like it’s just the two of us or something?)

“Yeah, that’d be cool… And… Do I need to bring anything special? Like a gift for your parents for being hosts?”

I laughed and said no, but maybe we could cook them dinner in my grandparents’ ancient kitchen. I told him to wait until he saw their fridge. Then I told him to pack warm clothes, and that the room we’d stay in tended to be a little chilly, so slippers would be good.

He sounded so sleepy when he said goodnight. I wonder if he’ll sound that sleepy in person.

 

**Sunday, December 27th**

I bought Liam his gift. I hope he likes it.

Oh and Christmas with the family was nice. I got a new jacket and a really fancy leather journal for my writing. It’s embossed with my initials on it, and it’s so cool I don’t want to write in it. I got some other stuff, too, and Mom and Dad loved the hot air balloon ride certificates I got for them.

I’m suddenly feeling really nervous about this trip. What if he’s bored at my grandparents’ house? What if he decides I’m a boring person after he’s around me all day? What if he doesn’t like Tobies’ pecan rolls? What if there’s an ice storm and that tree Dad always talks about watering falls over and crashes on the roof and kills us all?

 

**Monday, December 28th, Duluth**

Liam’s taking a shower. I have a lot to write, so I hope it’s a long one.

I told Liam we’d get a late start, because Dad always runs late. Every single time we go anywhere, he says we’ll leave at 9 and we’re lucky to leave at 11, usually closer to noon.

Then I had a brilliant idea. I asked Dad if he could just give me the spare key so Liam and I could get the heat on in the house and grab some groceries. He frowned, then gave me a ten-minute lecture of how to turn on the heat, stuff like “don’t turn it up to 80, that just wastes energy and it doesn’t make it warmer” and I managed to listen to it all with a straight face (I should win an acting award from Zayn, too bad he wasn’t here to see it). Then he lectured me on how to drive in snow, as if I haven’t been doing it all winter, and finally he said OK and I called Liam to make sure he was ready.

When I got to Liam’s (only twenty minutes late, thanks Dad), he had a huge backpack stuffed full of clothes—I may have oversold how cold it would be, at least today was in the 20s—and a small wrapped box. My stomach went mushy at that. I have such a crush on him. Fuck. His gift was wrapped and at the bottom of my bag because it’s obvious what it was and I wanted to hide it.

We made good time up to Hinckley and stopped at Tobies. Liam got a pecan roll and I got a cinnamon roll and we sat down to eat them and then got a dozen more (six of each) to bring to the house.

When we got here I blasted the heat to 80 and then we went grocery shopping. Just the basics, milk, sandwich stuff, eggs, chicken, cereal—enough to hold us for the week (we’re leaving Saturday so that we have one day back home to unpack and do laundry and stuff before school starts).

I managed to turn the heat down before Mom and Dad got here, and Mom was so happy we had the house ready to go.

We decided to stay in for the day, because it was foggy and raining and snowing (raining in December, so weird) and we wouldn’t be able to see much if we went down to the lake. Mom made some dinner and now Liam and I are just hanging out in my aunts’ old room. Two twin beds with floral quilts that my grandma made on them. Liam grabbed the pink pillowcase and said it was his color.

I took a shower earlier, and when Liam’s done we’re going to exchange gifts. I brought a stack of books and so did he, but we also have a bunch of old games in the house.

Oh—the shower turned off. I need to hide this journal. I don’t want Liam finding it, even though he knows I keep it.

(Gifts! I’m nervous! Oh God, and I’m going to see him in his pajamas. Oh God.)

 

**Tuesday, December 29th**

We did the grand tour of Duluth today with my parents. Canal Park, Park Point, the Aerial Bridge, Leif Erickson Park—we saw it all. We even did Skyline Drive. Mom and Dad kept pointing things out and Liam was asking a whole bunch of questions. I dozed off during the Skyline part.

We walked along Superior’s shoreline a bit, but it was so windy and cold! (The high today was only ten.) I wasn’t wearing my long johns and I wish I had. The view was so nice that I stopped to look at the ice on the water, the way it breaks into shards against the rocks on the shore. Mom and Dad were walking faster than we were and had turned around a bend and it felt like we were alone and I wished it was a summer day and we could just hang out and talk.

It was windy and we were both wearing our parka hoods up and we had to shout to be heard. Liam wondered how cold the water could possibly be and asked if people ever swim in it. I said sane people didn’t swim in it. When I looked at Liam, his teeth were chattering. I told him we should go, and he said, “Wait.”

He took off his mittens and his liner gloves and pressed the backs of his fingers against my cheeks.

I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing.

He laughed and yelled, “Your cheeks are so red! You’re ice cold! Are my hands cold?”

They weren’t, they were warm and I wanted to keep them there forever. I shook my head and forced myself to laugh because I needed to breathe somehow. I took off my gloves (which he gave me—wait until you hear about that), and touched his face and yelled, “You’re cold, too!”

I could feel a tiny hint of stubble, and I wanted to hold my hands there, press my thumbs into his skin, feel the hard bones under the softness of his cheeks.

Instead I dropped my hands and leaned in so he could hear me talk. He turned his ear toward me, and the fur lining on his parka hood brushed against my ear and my glasses and I wanted to kiss him so much. God. I told him I didn’t want him getting frostbitten or windchapped and we should go.

We tugged our gloves on and walked in silence, hands jammed in our pockets, walking so close our jackets swished against each other.

When we got home, we both took hot showers to warm up while Mom made some chicken and roasted veggies for dinner. I had Liam go first and he didn’t change in the bathroom, just walked in our room in just his boxers, rubbing his hair with his towel. Then he put on his pajamas right in front of me, chatting the whole time, like it was no big deal. I almost died.

We ate dinner in our pajamas (flannel plaid pants and a Batman t-shirt for him, long cotton pants and a long-sleeved waffle knit shirt for me) and Dad said they were going to go to the movies and asked if we wanted to come.

Before I could say anything, Liam said he was pretty tired and asked if it would be OK if he stayed home. I was relieved. Mom said that was fine, and reminded us of all of the board and card games if we wanted to play something.

But now we’re both curled up on the couch. I’m writing (I guess I can’t really hide this, there’s so much I want to write and I can’t sneak around and do it) and Liam’s looking at the gifts I got him.

I found a coffee table book of California photography to remind him of home, and another one of Minnesota photography to remind him of here, and then I gave him a copy of the Minnesota Weather Calendar. I know it’s a really weird gift, but each month tells about the weather and animals and geography and I thought he might like it, and the pictures are great! Now he’s pointing out photos in both books, telling me what I need to see in California and what he wants to see in Minnesota. He reads for a few minutes, then holds up a book to show me a picture, then disappears behind it again for a few minutes more.

He just asked if he’s bothering me.

God, no, Liam, you’re not. Don’t you get it?

He found me a grey paperboy style cap like the kind in the movie Newsies. He told me he thought it fit my personality, and I admit, I like how it looks. It has a snap on the front, so I can wear it down low to cover my ears, but it looks best all snapped up. It’s great. I’m wearing it now, actually. Told Liam I need to break it in, but that’s bullshit. Based on the way he grinned at me, all soft and stupid looking, I think he knows it’s a lie, too.

He also gave me a matching scarf and glove set—the same pattern in a super soft, really warm cashmere wool. The gloves are more a spring weight glove for Minnesota, but they’ll be great for driving.

But the hat’s my favorite part.

OK, Liam just asked if we could see some of the things in the book tomorrow, so I need to look and plan what we’re going to do.

 

**Wednesday, December 30th**

Because he kept showing me pictures of Lake Superior, Liam and I drove up along the North Shore for a couple of hours today. We talked about going all the way to Canada, but it’s 150 miles to the border and we weren’t sure we’d have a lot of time to visit. Neither of us has been to Canada, and I don’t have a passport, but we both have our licenses and that’s all we need. Then we wondered if we could cross without our parents? We have our fake IDs but crossing an international border with a fake ID seems unwise at best. Maybe next year.

We drove about halfway up the shore, singing along to the radio. I was shy to sing at first, but Liam belted out song after song. He knew almost all of them, and it felt good to sing along too, to “Tubthumping,” “Jumper,” “One Week” (which Liam could sing in the right time, I just ended up giggling because I couldn’t keep up) and “Iris.” I got quieter during that song, because I meant it. I just want you to know who I am, I just want you to know who I am. It was true.

We made it that far in nearly a single shot, with just one gas station stop on the way up. Then, we grabbed lunch at some tiny hole in the wall diner and on took out time on the way back down, stopping wherever we wanted to.

We went to Split Rock Lighthouse (of course) and stayed there taking photos until we were freezing. We got a picture of us standing together with the lighthouse and water behind us and I really hope it turns out when the photos get printed. The birch trees are stark white, like the snow. They’re so pretty.

We went to Gooseberry Falls, and the snow was absolutely gorgeous. The falls were frozen and we got to walk right up to them. Liam had a short shuffle step and I joked that he needed to find his ice legs. He agreed and grabbed my arm to hold on. We walked slowly so he wouldn’t fall. I don’t think his mom would be happy if I brought him home with a broken leg or something!

The ice was thick and you could only see the smallest gurgling under it, proving the water was still flowing. Liam got on his hands and knees to lean in close, and said he’d never seen anything like it.

He’s moved all over and never seen a frozen waterfall? I think I’ve lived here too long, I didn’t even realize it was a big deal. Minnehaha freezes over all winter and we’re far enough north I guess I didn’t think it was so special, but maybe it is.

I asked if he wanted to snowshoe, and told him I wasn’t very good at it. He said, “Better than me! I’ve never done it!”

We rented snowshoes and went out on the trails together. We were slow and clumsy and Liam kept reaching for me so he wouldn’t fall, and I grabbed him to hold me up a few times even though I was doing fine. (Which makes me wonder if maybe he was doing the same?) He said he felt like he was walking on water and I joked that we were, it was just frozen.

We saw all sorts of animal trails out there, rabbits and deer, squirrels and mice—the mice prints were so tiny.

His cheeks were pink again, but at least we wore our long johns today, so he looked healthy and hale instead of just cold. (The high didn’t even make it to zero, that’s how cold it was.) He noticed that my glasses were fogging up from my breath and asked how I could see. I told him you get used to looking down and moving the scarf out of the way.

“But doesn’t that make you colder?”

“Yes.”

“Seems unfair.”

“I need to see.”

He stopped and caught his breath and asked how bad my vision was. I shrugged and said I needed to wear them but not too bad. He asked if he could try them on. I gave them to him and he put them on and said, “Oh, the scarf.” He pushed his scarf out of the way and asked how he looked. I had to lean in to see him since, well, I didn’t have my glasses.

God, it is so hard not to kiss him.

I told him he looked smarter than normal and he faked being offended while looking around, reeling his head back like everyone who puts on a new pair of glasses does. When he took them off, he turned them in his hands and said, “They’re not foggy anymore.”

I held out my hand but he put the glasses on my face, sliding them on a little crooked and too low on my nose. I waited until he turned around to fix it.

We stopped at some of the agate beaches, too, even though they were covered in snow. Liam asked if we could come back and look for agates when it was warmer. I told him they weren’t easy to find, that I’d only ever found one, and we might just want to buy some at a gift shop instead. He didn’t reply, and I wondered if I said something wrong, and I suggested we could collect rocks and put them in a rock tumbler.

Of course, I don’t have one.

Finally, we went to Grandma’s for dinner, and we could see the Aerial Bridge if we turned our heads just the right way, all lit up at night. We both had the wild rice soup, and then I got the chicken pot pie and he got the walleye. We toasted the new year with our Cokes, and split the bill and it felt like a date, even if it wasn’t.

Now Liam’s in the shower and my turn is next. I can’t stop thinking about how he grabbed my arm today to keep from falling, his fingers digging into me. I’m going to need to come in the shower. I’m glad my grandparents aren’t dead and can’t watch me from heaven, because I can’t wait until we get home Saturday and there’s nowhere else to do it.

**Thursday, December 31st**

We both slept in this morning, past ten for Liam and past eleven for me. Guess we were worn out from the snowshoeing and stuff. Liam suggested we stay inside today, where it’s warm, even if a little drafty (he didn’t say it was drafty—that would be rude).

Mom and Dad are going out to some bar to ring in the new year with some old friends of Dad’s, and we decided to go rent a bunch of movies from Blockbuster. I’m thinking we should get some Starbursts (because I haven’t seen Liam eat any all week, and that’s weird), and maybe some popcorn (for the stove, because the microwave is so old it scares me to use, I swear, it sends signals to an alien planet or something).

I warned Liam I’m not even sure we’re going to be able to watch the ball drop because this TV is so old and there’s no cable. But Dad says if we turn the rabbit ears just right, we should be OK.

I wonder if we’ll rent Newsies?

 

**Friday, January 1st (technically), 1999**

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I am sitting on the lid of the toilet in the bathroom shaking and I need Liam to go to sleep so I can write. Ahhhhh!!!

He’s…gay. I was right. He’s gay.

**Later**

OK, I set my silent alarm on my watch so it would buzz my wrist and I could wake up. It’s 615 and I got, like, four hours of sleep. I’m sitting at the kitchen table, wrapped up in a blanket, nursing a cup of hot cocoa and a headache, hoping nobody else wakes up.

I don’t even know where to start. My stomach is all fluttery and I want to skip to the end but I want to write down every detail so I don’t forget anything, even though I’m not sure I could ever forget any of this.

So. We got a bunch of movies—Newsies and Trainspotting (Ewan McGregor is so fucking hot) and Sliding Doors. (They had Billy’s Hollywood Screen Kiss, which surprised me, but I wasn’t going to suggest it!) We got popcorn and Snowcaps and Starbursts and we settled in and watched Newsies first, saying our favorite lines and taking on the voices of the characters and it was cheesy and it felt so good.

We were halfway through Sliding Doors when Mom and Dad went out for an early dinner. Dad’s friends picked them up and Mom kissed my forehead and told me to be good and she rubbed Liam’s head, messing up his hair like he was her own kid. I was so embarrassed, as soon as the door closed I apologized for her, but he said not to worry, that he likes my mom.

We finished the movie and I suggested we play some games instead of watching the third movie, and Liam agreed. I popped some more popcorn on the stove and he went through the cabinets looking for some more snacks. We found some stale crackers and some really hard gummy worms that I’m pretty sure would break our teeth if we ate them.

And then he found a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. He mentioned it and then moved it out of the way, but it was in the very back of a cupboard and dusty. I asked if he wanted to try it. He was worried my parents would notice, but I don’t even think they know it’s there. I told him we could hide the bottle in my car when we were done or if we hated it.

He found a box of Swiss Miss hot cocoa and said he heard it’s supposed to be good in coffee, so maybe it would be good in hot chocolate, too. So he boiled up a big pot of water and milk while I seasoned the popcorn.

I set up a game of Sorry! and we set up all of our pieces and tried the Bailey’s plain. It did taste good, like melted vanilla ice cream with a hint of chocolate and almonds, too. It was really tasty in the cocoa. Liam won the first game and I won the second game, and Liam said we should make bets on who would win the third. I got the Starbursts and bet him the bag. He said that was unfair, so we split them up. But then we wanted to eat them and if we waited until the end of the game to see who got them, we couldn’t eat them.

So whoever was winning got some of the candy from the other person, but then we argued over how much candy, and it got weird. We started predicting what we’d roll, and if we were wrong we had to give the other one Starburst. So guess you’ll roll a one, but roll a two? Give the other one a candy. (It sounds stupid now, but it made sense last night.)

Liam had to give me something like seven candies in a row, but I kept guessing my rolls and he got annoyed and threw a candy at me. It hit my shoulder and I flicked it back at him and hit his chest.

Then he tossed another candy at me and I threw one at him and all of a sudden candy flew through the air until it was all over the table and floor and he nicked my ear and it really stung, but I got him right between the eyes so we were even.

We couldn’t stop laughing and I finally said we needed something other than Starbursts because we were losing them under the old stove and between the cabinet and the wall. Liam crawled around on the floor and started picking up the candies. I swept up the ones too dusty to eat and we sat back down, still laughing.

Liam drained his cup and poured himself another and said we should just dare each other to do things if we got stuff wrong. I drank all my cocoa too and asked for more, then rolled for my turn.

It all started out dumb, like dancing outside in the freezing night air shirtless for 30 seconds, or unwrapping the candy with just our teeth (which was both easier than I thought and harder than I thought—I was afraid I’d choke on the paper), or promising to prank call people when we get back home and they’re not long distance.

We actually kept the game of Sorry! going for a while, but it changed when he guessed he’d roll a six and rolled a one. I dared him to make a snow angel in just his underpants, and he said, “You want me to freeze my dick off,” and I needed to pick another dare.

I said, “No, we’ll do this like Truth or Dare. Since you refuse the dare, now you have to tell me the truth.”

“Shoot.” I asked if he had kissed Rebecca and he said she had kissed him.

I wanted to puke. My stomach hurt and I wasn’t sure if it was from the liquor or the candy or the truth. “Then we’ve both kissed her,” I said. I sat back in the chair and crossed my arms over my chest.

He didn’t roll for his turn, just looked at me and said, “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Have you and Rebecca had sex?”

I shook my head and told him I’m a virgin and he said he was, too, even though it wasn’t his turn. I asked him truth or dare. He said truth and I asked what he really thought of our group of friends. He said nice enough things about them and said, “But you’re my best friend.”

Then he asked if I’d kissed anyone other than Rebecca. I said no. Then I said, “Do you miss California more than you like being here?”

“Not lately, not right now.”

“When do you miss it?” I asked.

“My turn,” he said.

“Fine, truth.”

“Do you have a crush on anyone right now?”

“Dare.”

“Not fair.”

I looked at the table and tapped a Starburst on it. “Yes,” I said.

“Truth,” he said.

“Do you have a crush on anyone right now?”

“Yes.”

“Truth,” I said.

“What color are their eyes?”

My heart was pounding in my ears. “Brown,” I said. “Your crush?”

“Blue.” Liam leaned across the table and said, “Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

He looked at me and said, “Do you have a class with your crush?”

“Yes. Truth or dare.”

“Truth,” he said.

“Do I know your crush?”

He looked me up and down and nodded. “You do. Truth or dare?”

My chest felt tight and I leaned forward in my chair, just a little closer to him. “Dare.”

“Do you trust me?” he said.

“I said dare.”

“I know,” he said, “But I need to know, do you trust me?” I looked at him and then the birthmark on his throat and then Batman on his chest. I nodded and he said, “I dare you to close your eyes and wait.”

I held his eye for a second and then closed mine, squeezed them shut. I heard the scraping of the chair against the floor and felt the table move and dip down a little and then his mouth was on mine, soft, and barely there, almost like it was a mistake.

He was gone too soon and I wondered if I had imagined it.

I opened my eyes and Liam’s eyes were shiny. “Please don’t be mad.”

I shook my head and said, “Truth or dare.”

“Dare,” he said, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “Please don’t tell—”

“Shh.” I leaned across the table and kissed him this time. He leaned against me and it was a real kiss. His lips were warm and wet and his tongue was soft and he tasted like cocoa and Bailey’s and sugary candy.

He moaned and it sort of jolted me back to earth and I took a deep breath and the kiss ended. My eyes were still closed and it was dead silent in the room. Finally Liam said, “We should get rid of this bottle.”

I wanted to cry, because it sounded like he thought it was all ’cause we’d drunk the Bailey’s, but I blinked back my tears and found my shoes and keys and ran out to the car to hide the bottle. When I came back in, Liam was piling all the candy in the middle of the table and cleaning up the game pieces. I just stood there and watched him arrange every piece in the box perfectly.

“Truth,” I said. “It’s my turn, truth.”

“Do you remember sub rosa, under the rose?”

“Secret? Is that what you’re afraid of? I’m not going to tell anyone.”

“It’s not that I’m ashamed—” he said.

“I know. Truth.”

“Have you kissed a guy before?”

“No,” I said. “Was it bad?”

He blushed and said, “Wasn’t bad.”

“Have you kissed a guy before?” I asked him. Liam nodded and I said, “Was it Scott?”

“Yeah.”

It got quiet again and I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t feel like I could kiss him right then, so I looked at my watch. “We should watch the ball drop,” I said.

We went into the living room and I managed to get the rabbit ears to work on one of the channels and we sat on the couch and I wasn’t sure if we were really going to watch the TV or what, and then we were making out. We didn’t pay attention to the TV, just kept kissing and he had his hands on my face and it felt so good. I touched his chest and my dick was so hard and I just wanted to kiss him all night.

We finally decided to go upstairs because I was afraid we wouldn’t hear if my parents walked in. I was really worried of what we would do in the bedroom, though. I took forever to brush my teeth (that’s when I was writing last night) and when I went into the bedroom, he asked if I wanted him to sleep on the couch.

I said, “No, but—but I don’t want to…”

He held up his hands and said, “I don’t want to either! Not right now—” I laughed and he said, “Oh God, that’s not—I just mean… I can sleep on the couch if it would make you feel better.”

I told him I didn’t want him to and he went off to brush his teeth. I took the time to keep squeezing my dick because it was aching and I just wanted to call Louis or Zayn and scream at them. When he came back, we turned off the lights and stayed in the dark for a while.

After a long time, I asked if he was still awake and he said he was. I said, “Is that why you call yourself a daisy? Is that what you were hiding from me?”

“I hide it from everyone. Does anyone know about you?”

“Yes, Zayn and Louis.”

“Are they gay?” he said, sounding surprised.

“No, but they know I am.”

“What about Harry?” His voice was soft and quiet, like he was sleepy.

“I don’t know. I can’t tell him yet. My parents don’t know.”

“Yeah, nobody knows about me.”

“Not even in California?”

“No.”

“I’m not going to tell,” I said.

“It’s our little secret,” he said, yawning.

“Sub rosa.”

“Sub rosa.”

That’s the last thing I remember before his breathing got heavier and slower and I fell asleep.

 

**Saturday, January 2nd**

I kissed him, I kissed him, I kissed him. I can’t believe it. I finally got to kiss him. I was right, I was right, he’s like me, and I got to kiss him. I keep dancing around my room singing that.

I feel like I want to burst, like I want to tell everyone, show him off to Sarah and my parents and tell Louis and Zayn and everyone and I just…can’t. And so instead I feel like I have this amazing little secret and I want to keep it inside of me and hold it close and protect it and not tell anyone. We, I guess. We have this little secret.

Yesterday, after I wrote that entry, I fell asleep on the couch. I only woke up when Liam came down and asked if I was OK. I told him I was, and that I hadn’t been able to sleep and I’d written a little. He asked if anything was wrong.

I kissed him quickly and said no. We made eggs on toast and sat at the table, just kind of looking at each other. I kept blushing and he hooked his feet around mine, and I was afraid my parents would see, and that made it feel even better.

Then we watched Trainspotting, which was really good, and we ran the movies back to Blockbuster. We grabbed lunch at Wendy’s and I asked Liam if there was anything else he wanted to see in Duluth. He asked if we could drive along Skyline Drive again, so we did, going once in each direction. “So we could see everything,” I said, and so we had a little more time alone, I didn’t say.

We didn’t talk a lot in the car, but it felt like we didn’t have to. Liam rubbed his fingers against my thigh while I drove and it made me feel safe.

Back at the house we hung out reading books and playing card games with my parents. Just being near him now, it’s like… It’s easier and harder than it was before. Easier because I know, now, and he does, too. And harder because I just want to touch him.

In the middle of a hand of poker, I went to the bathroom and when I came out, he was waiting. He whispered, “Had to see you.” We kissed in the hallway, his hand on my jaw and my parents could have caught us and it felt dangerous and it made me feel dizzy.

Last night Liam was shier, too, in the bedroom, changing into his pajamas with his back to me. I tried to look away, but it was hard. He pulled his pants on and hopped a little, so they settled around his hips and it made my face hot. He put his t-shirt on, and I wished it was warm enough he didn’t have to wear one, because I wanted to feel his spine.

Today we left earlier than Mom and Dad. They wanted to have lunch with some friends before coming home, and we wanted to go to Jay Cooke State Park.

We didn’t get out of the car much at Cooke, but we did see the river, and we chatted a lot about family stuff and college applications. He said we should go to one of the gay clubs with our fake IDs and oh God, I want to go and we keep talking about it but I’m still afraid of getting in trouble.

We stopped at the visitor center and bought a few postcards. I bought a stuffed loon that warbles when you squeeze it. Liam laughed at me, but I don’t think he’s heard a loon and it’s one of my favorite sounds.

We stopped at Tobies on the way home, got a dozen donuts for his family and another dozen for mine. We ate lunch there, too, and sitting across from him, I wanted to reach out and touch his hand.

The ride home was slow, with lots of long stops, and by the time I dropped him off his house, I was tired.

“I wish I could kiss you,” he said as the car idled in his driveway.

“I know, me too.”

“Later,” Liam said, biting his lip and nodding at me. He touched my knee, where nobody else could see.

I squeezed his hand and said I’d call him later.

As soon as I got home, I ran up to my bedroom and got off. I wanted to call him, I wanted to hear him, I wanted to know if he was thinking about me. But instead of calling, I took a hot, long shower and then wrote all of this. And now I want to dance around the room again, because he likes me, he likes me.

I’ll call him later. (How soon is later?)

 

**Monday, January 4th**

Liam and I talked all night last night. He suggested that the night of the winter formal, we go to the Gay Nineties. I said yeah, but oh my God, I can’t believe we’re doing it and I hope we don’t get caught. But it will give me something to do that night, and it means he won’t be at the dance with anyone else, so it’s worth the risk. I guess I’ll tell my parents we’re at the mall or something.

Since we had a bunch of rolls from Tobies left over, I had Liam, Zayn, Harry, and Louis over after school. We hung out and ate and played video games and it kind of felt normal, but I couldn’t stop smiling and when I went to the kitchen to grab some sodas, Louis said he’d help and followed me.

Then he asked me if I was OK.

I said yeah and why wouldn’t I be and he said I was acting weird. I said I wasn’t and he said I’d never come back from Duluth so happy before. I told him it was a lot of fun having Liam there and he just nodded.

Note to self: act normal.

(Almost out of pages in my journal. Can’t believe I’ve filled up a whole notebook and the first semester isn’t even over. Guess I’ll get to use that Christmas gift journal soon.)

 

**Thursday, January 7th**

Worked last night—first time in nearly two weeks! Was nice to see Sarah. She asked how the trip went and I gave her way too many details, I could even tell I needed to shut up, but it was like I couldn’t help it. I just kept talking and talking.

Sarah patted my hand and said she was glad I was so happy and it was nice to see. She asked if I had any photos and I remembered I had some film in my backpack that I wanted to drop off at the one-hour lab at the end of the strip mall. She told me to go, and not to worry about the time.

I asked the girl behind the counter for double prints of the whole roll, and then asked her if she could print two five by sevens of the picture of “my friend and me” in front of Split Rock Lighthouse. I told her I thought more than one had been taken, and she could choose the best one.

When I picked up the pictures right before closing, she showed me the enlargement and asked if it looked OK. Liam and I are grinning, and the sky is super blue behind us and the lighthouse is so recognizable—you would look at it and know you were in Minnesota, you know? Liam looks so comfortable, even if cold. I told her it was perfect, and slipped it back into its envelope. I need to find a frame for it.

When I got back to the store, Sarah asked to see the pictures. She flipped through them, asking me about the snowshoes and everything else. She stopped on the regular-sized print of us in front of the lighthouse and said, “You two look happy.” I said it was a ton of fun and she said, “No, Niall. You look happy. He looks happy. You look like…best friends.”

“He is my best friend.”

Sarah held her arms out and I don’t know why she wanted to hug me, but I kind of buried my head in her shoulder and she patted my head and said I was a good kid and she was there for me if I ever needed to talk about anything.

She smelled like Ivory soap and I probably shouldn’t’ve been hugging my boss, but I just teared up and thanked her. She rocked me back and forth and said, “The next time Liam comes by to take you out for coffee, can I meet him at least? For real.”

I laughed and said, “Since we’re friends?”

“Exactly.” She put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me back so she could look at me. I wiped my eyes and she said, “I mean it, Niall. You can talk to me about anything, if you ever need to.”

I nodded and wiped my face with my sleeve and I said I didn’t know why I was crying. She said sometimes you just need to cry, then she finished locking up and I finished counting out the till and we went home.

 

**Friday, January 8th**

It’s so hard not touching Liam at school. I want to touch him at lunch, I want to touch him in the hallway. I want to kiss him between classes by the lockers like other couples do.

We sit next to each other in Johnson’s class and it makes my body hum, there’s always the slightest bit of tension right under the surface of my skin.

But I still can’t touch him… Except for today. He brought Starbursts, and every time he put one on my desk, he brushed a finger against my hand, or my arm.

He also asked me if I’d gotten the photos developed from our trip. I haven’t shared them yet, because I haven’t been able to find a picture frame and I’m not sure if he would think it was…strange that I got the enlargements of that one photo. So I lied and said I hadn’t done it but that I’d get it done over the weekend. Then I went to the mall after school and I found a cool birch frame. I bought two of them.

 

**Sunday, January 10th**

I just got home. I spent the night at Liam’s. No, nothing happened. Well, not that, I mean.

I called Liam after work to tell him I got the photos done. He said he wanted to see them and I asked if we could go to a café together. When I got to his house, he was in the kitchen with his mom. I told her we were getting coffee and she asked if we would be home for dinner. Liam said he wasn’t sure, and she said to have a good time and to be home by eleven. Liam asked if I could stay over and she said it was OK. I called home and Mom said it was fine.

As soon as we got in the car, I touched Liam’s thigh. I still couldn’t kiss him in his driveway, but I needed to touch him. He groaned and said he’d missed me and asked which café we were going to.

I told him there’s a gay café down by Loring Park and asked if he wanted to check it out. He said yes, and I gave him the piece of paper with the address on it. He asked me how I knew about it and I told him I heard about it at the AIDS Project, that I’d never been there, and I wasn’t sure if the coffee was even good.

Café Zev was small and it was tucked in a little corner near the park and I was so nervous someone might see us and recognize us. But if they did, well, they’d probably be gay too, right? Inside, it felt so…comfortable? There was a stack of gay newspapers by the door, and Liam grabbed one of each, and a copy of City Pages. Liam and I ordered drinks, and the barista was so cute. He was super friendly and kind of flirty with us both, said he hadn’t seen us and asked if it was our first time there. I told him it was and he winked at us and said to look around and ask him if we had any questions. Told us they hosted karaoke on Friday nights.

While the barista was making our drinks, Liam leaned against me and I tensed up at first, but then I remembered where we were. He whispered that maybe we should come back on a Friday night and kissed my cheek. The barista smiled, gave us our drinks and told us to enjoy.

It was so hard not to stare at the other couples in there. I wanted to look at them, because they were there, but I didn’t want to stare and Liam held my hand and it just…felt good. We talked and we drank coffee and we worked on the crossword puzzles in the papers together. And the whole time we could hold hands, and touch each other and…

There’s something that feels nice about keeping Liam a secret at home, but it felt even better to not be secret for a night, you know?

When the café closed, we walked around the corner to a gay bookstore. They had a selection of gay and lesbian books and cards with two men or women kissing, rainbow themed jewelry, cock rings and sex toys and lube. (Liam and I kept not looking at each other in that part of the store. I wanted to keep looking, but I couldn’t look at him.) I didn’t buy anything, but Liam bought a book.

(Shit, I’m running out of room to write!)

We finally headed to his place since it was past ten. Liam’s parents were watching TV when we got home, and we grabbed some leftovers in the kitchen and then headed up to his room. He tossed me a pair of pajama pants and said he’d change in the bathroom and find me a toothbrush.

I changed into his pajama pants and kept my t-shirt on, and I looked around his room, kind of nervous for some reason, ~~I don’t know why,~~ probably because there was only one bed? He had the weather calendar on the back of his door, and he had the books I gave him on his shelf. I also noticed that he didn’t have the picture of Scott up on his bookshelf anymore. I admit, that made my heart leap.

When he came back he told me the orange toothbrush in the cup was for me, and I went to brush my teeth. When I got back, he was sitting on the side of his bed, looking at his new book. I sat down next to him and bumped his shoulder with mine. He said he had something to show me.

“Is it the fact that you took down the picture of Scott?” I asked him.

He turned bright red and said, “Oh, yeah. It… I thought it was time.”

I told him he didn’t have to do that, and he didn’t reply, just kissed me and then got up and dug something out of his dresser. He said he bought something at Grandma’s restaurant, something for each of us, but that he wasn’t sure how to give it to me when we were there and it was kind of silly.

He said I should to close my eyes and hold out my hands, and then he pressed something hard and cool into each palm. He kissed me and said to look.

They were Lake Superior agates—both of them big chunks, heavy in my hands. They were gorgeous, with striations and swirls of color. He explained that since we hadn’t been able to look for our own, he bought them to remember the trip by. I asked him which one he wanted, and he said I could choose. One of them had layers of brown, red, and slate grey in it, and the other had bits of blue, grey, and green in it. That one reminded me of the lake, but the other one reminded me of his eyes, so I took the brown and red one.

We kissed for a long time and I was so turned on. He makes me feel amazing. Alive. Special.

I told him I had something for him, too, and I took out the photos. I had split the doubles into two stacks, so I gave him one and we flipped through them. He got to the one of us in front of Split Rock and put it to the side, said he wanted to frame it. That made me super happy, but I waited until he was done. Then I said, “Close your eyes.”

I handed him the framed photo and when he opened his eyes he said, “Birch trees!”

“Right.”

He hopped off the bed and put the picture right on his bookshelf, and put the agate in front of it, next to the fossils we found.

We spent the rest of the night talking and making out. I spooned him, and his body felt incredible pressed up against mine. I was hard and I was torn between trying to hide it and rubbing against him, but I could see from his pajamas that he was hard too and we both just pretended to ignore it. We talked about everything, too much to list, and sometimes I just wanted to giggle, I was so happy to be there with him. Before we fell asleep, we talked about other things we want to see and do—go to the Nineties together, go to Lake Itasca, ice skate, find our own agates.

When we were both so tired our words were slurring and we were taking forever to respond to each other, I kissed his shoulder and whispered I was glad he was here.

Liam said, “Niall?”

“Mm?”

“I… You should know… I don’t miss California anymore.”

I kissed him again, and said we should sleep so we could keep making plans in the morning.

And since this is the last page of my journal, I guess those plans will have to go in the next one. Ms. Johnson told me the best writers keep journals of their lives and their ideas, and I guess this is just book one. Tomorrow I’ll start my leather journal. A fresh start, a new year, and a journal that begins with Liam by my side.

I’m excited for it.

The end.

Signed,

Niall James Horan

**Author's Note:**

> As always, a million thank yous to my beta, [MyOwnSparkNow](https://myownsparknow.tumblr.com/). You get it, every single time.
> 
> The title comes from "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. All of the locations in this fic existed in 1998, although some no longer do.
> 
> Come visit me on [Tumblr](http://gettingaphdinmomo.tumblr.com/post/161192229511/i-just-want-you-to-know-who-i-am)!


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